Candlelight Kiddush

Is this the part where everyone bursts out with silly string and everyone is like, ‘ it's a foam party kiddush’?

The Young American man dozed off on the couch waiting for the family and guests to begin their meal. The fireplace was ablaze and made the room quite warm compared to the miserable weather outside. After spending the whole night before saying tikun it was no surprise the young man succumbed to slumber on the plush sofa pillows.

After a while his host called him and his friend in to make kiddush. He came into the room, passing by the hallway that reminded him of Clue, and assumed his place at the table. They all gathered around, brought out the bechers and then

*blip*

The dining room lights went out

“ohh”s all around

There really was nothing anyone could do. Luckily there were other lights near that were on, but quite frankly it was just to dark.

Of course!

Candles!

Before you knew it there were two great candelabras of which the women bentched licht as well as solitary candles outside and between. The young American man sat down, looked all around, and realized; this wasn’t bad, not bad at all.

In fact, quite the contrary, it was rather quite lovely. Everybody’s face took on a most delightful glow and the dimness gave you a feeling of your own little space. You could snuggle to yourself or venture to the candlelit people around. And oh did the people look so friendly (and they already were at that!) with dilated pupils giving them a most charming gaze. Yes, this was certainly a setting for a yom tov meal, in a newfound warmth in the blanket of darkness.

How to Stop the [New] Enviroment Crisis

Now that we’ve found the real threat to the environment it’s time to think of some solutions based on our global warming champions:

Movement tax

Movement tax trade

Tax on vibrating phones

A cap on how much industries can move things around

More taxes on other random things

But how do we get the public to accept this very real threat?

Simple!

Lots of commercials with polar bears, elephants, dead trees, and discoloured scenes of industries, complete with kids w/ funny accents from third world countries narrating. They can talk about how

“Our movement is causing Antarctica to move toward the equator causing it to melt and then the polar bears will have no place to live.

[scenes of polar bears and cute penguins]

and then the oceans will rise and the we will drown

[scenes of African kids looking very very sad, but they’re sad about the environment not being helped, not because we could be raising money for food or something]

You don’t hate kids, do you?

You don’t hate polar bears, do you?

Then join the fight against Global Continent Change

So donate to the GCCF

And vote for the tax on movement

That is

Unless you hate children”

There’s no way people could say no to that

After all, continent change has to be out fault.

Those right wing naysayers are just capitalist, selfish, piggish child murderers.

Who hate polar bears

Duh

So there we have it

The more money we raise

The better off the world is

Trust us

...but there is only so much we can do...

Eventually we will have to thin out the population

At this rate we will simply have no choice!

So I propose a tax on babies

And eventually a cap on babies

It’s for our future hello

The public won’t mind if we get them crazy enough about GCC

And then eventually we can collect the entire smaller population into one movement-controlled area where we can all live in utopian peace

So long as everyone listens to what they’re told.

It’s for our own good remember

Spread the word about GCC

It’s our fault, it has to be

The Environmental Crisis

People are up in arms about global warming

Some are worried

Some are sceptics

Everyone is asking what should be done

But they’re all missing the real crisis

What’s the biggest threat to mankind?

Global Continent Change

Don’t let the selfish sceptics fool you

The continents shift every year is an undeniable fact...

...and we are to blame...

Our industries, cars, and general movement cause a parallel movement of the continents

Our movement in the past century has increased exponentially

At this rate....

There will be no more room between the continents

(or too much room)

(but that’s why we call is continent change)

We must stand together for the sake of our grand kids(x10⁴²)

Because if not now...

...when?

Join the fight

It means sacrifice

It means taxes

Less freedom

It might even mean destroying our economy

But ask yourself

The world might end

Isn’t a little sacrifice worth saving the world?

So vote for me

And join us

And Al Gore

And we’ll make it into some movie