Candlelight Kiddush

Is this the part where everyone bursts out with silly string and everyone is like, ‘ it's a foam party kiddush’?

The Young American man dozed off on the couch waiting for the family and guests to begin their meal. The fireplace was ablaze and made the room quite warm compared to the miserable weather outside. After spending the whole night before saying tikun it was no surprise the young man succumbed to slumber on the plush sofa pillows.

After a while his host called him and his friend in to make kiddush. He came into the room, passing by the hallway that reminded him of Clue, and assumed his place at the table. They all gathered around, brought out the bechers and then

*blip*

The dining room lights went out

“ohh”s all around

There really was nothing anyone could do. Luckily there were other lights near that were on, but quite frankly it was just to dark.

Of course!

Candles!

Before you knew it there were two great candelabras of which the women bentched licht as well as solitary candles outside and between. The young American man sat down, looked all around, and realized; this wasn’t bad, not bad at all.

In fact, quite the contrary, it was rather quite lovely. Everybody’s face took on a most delightful glow and the dimness gave you a feeling of your own little space. You could snuggle to yourself or venture to the candlelit people around. And oh did the people look so friendly (and they already were at that!) with dilated pupils giving them a most charming gaze. Yes, this was certainly a setting for a yom tov meal, in a newfound warmth in the blanket of darkness.

How to Stop the [New] Enviroment Crisis

Now that we’ve found the real threat to the environment it’s time to think of some solutions based on our global warming champions:

Movement tax

Movement tax trade

Tax on vibrating phones

A cap on how much industries can move things around

More taxes on other random things

But how do we get the public to accept this very real threat?

Simple!

Lots of commercials with polar bears, elephants, dead trees, and discoloured scenes of industries, complete with kids w/ funny accents from third world countries narrating. They can talk about how

“Our movement is causing Antarctica to move toward the equator causing it to melt and then the polar bears will have no place to live.

[scenes of polar bears and cute penguins]

and then the oceans will rise and the we will drown

[scenes of African kids looking very very sad, but they’re sad about the environment not being helped, not because we could be raising money for food or something]

You don’t hate kids, do you?

You don’t hate polar bears, do you?

Then join the fight against Global Continent Change

So donate to the GCCF

And vote for the tax on movement

That is

Unless you hate children”

There’s no way people could say no to that

After all, continent change has to be out fault.

Those right wing naysayers are just capitalist, selfish, piggish child murderers.

Who hate polar bears

Duh

So there we have it

The more money we raise

The better off the world is

Trust us

...but there is only so much we can do...

Eventually we will have to thin out the population

At this rate we will simply have no choice!

So I propose a tax on babies

And eventually a cap on babies

It’s for our future hello

The public won’t mind if we get them crazy enough about GCC

And then eventually we can collect the entire smaller population into one movement-controlled area where we can all live in utopian peace

So long as everyone listens to what they’re told.

It’s for our own good remember

Spread the word about GCC

It’s our fault, it has to be

The Environmental Crisis

People are up in arms about global warming

Some are worried

Some are sceptics

Everyone is asking what should be done

But they’re all missing the real crisis

What’s the biggest threat to mankind?

Global Continent Change

Don’t let the selfish sceptics fool you

The continents shift every year is an undeniable fact...

...and we are to blame...

Our industries, cars, and general movement cause a parallel movement of the continents

Our movement in the past century has increased exponentially

At this rate....

There will be no more room between the continents

(or too much room)

(but that’s why we call is continent change)

We must stand together for the sake of our grand kids(x10⁴²)

Because if not now...

...when?

Join the fight

It means sacrifice

It means taxes

Less freedom

It might even mean destroying our economy

But ask yourself

The world might end

Isn’t a little sacrifice worth saving the world?

So vote for me

And join us

And Al Gore

And we’ll make it into some movie

The Way I See; Hatzallah Pt I

The Young American man arrived at one of his houses Friday night for a shobbos meal. He helped the family get the meal ready – by sitting on the couch and keeping all the kids occupied, surrounding and jumping all over him.

The man of the house was a member of Hatzollah

Suddenly, the walky talky........

.....no.....

......The Hero Phone

Rang.

One the other end it was....what had to be....

The Mayor

“Quick! There’s a Hatzallah emergency. We need you Hatzallah Man.”

“I’m right on it Mayor”

With that my host put down the phone and rushed out of the room. To get his hero clothes.

Calmly he informed us “

Bit of a Hatzallah emergency. I’ll have to go.”

Ha

Bit of an emergency...

Outside my host hopped into his minivan –

which actually transforms into a Super Hatzallah Mobile. And sped off. What could he be up to?

He wouldn’t tell me the details

But I surmized on my own...

Bin Laden's Killer

I have found him

Osama's real killer

Dwight

Schrute

I think we all knew

It Sucks to Kill Bin Laden

Osama is dead

The name of the one who shot him is secret.

Be nice and smile to everyone

Because you never know

They just might be the one who killed Bin Laden

I’m the dude who killed Osama Bin Laden

I can’t tell anyone

But I did it

Now I’m getting pulled over

I killed Bin Laden, double tap, right above the left eye

Biggest terrorist of the century, I shot him

I’m the dude who killed Bin Laden...

“...and uh, officer, my wife’s brother is a cop too”

I killed Osama Bin Laden

And I just got a speeding ticket

I killed Osama Bin Laden

I made Obama’s term

He owes me, he loves me...

...But he aint gonna find me a place to park the freaking car

I killed Osama Bin Laden...

...And this guy just cut me off and gave me the finger

I killed Osama Bin Laden...

...And airport security is giving me sass

I killed Osama Bin Laden

Toughest guy of the decade...

...and I’m stuck in the friggin middle seat on the plane

Between two fat guys

I killed Osama Bin Laden...

...and I’m ten cents short for this coffee

I killed Osama Bin Laden...

...and the lady on the phone just put me on hold

For ten minutes

“Geez lady I’ve had it!

Do you know who I am?!

I’m the dude who shot Bin Laden!!!”

“You’re going to have to be patient sir

I’ll transfer you to billings”

&$%#!

I’m the guy who killed Bin Laden, avenged my entire country, put down the most dangerous and evil man in the world, came in, guns blazing, took him out, became the greatest hero in America...

...and the line for the register in Target has been taking forever

I killed Bin Laden...

...This sucks

Bonfires and Pirate Islands

The young American man walked down the dark road, through the brisk cold.

Melbourne had finally gotten like that; misty and cold. He walked silen

tly, alone with his thoughts.

As he neared the yeshiva strange sounds began filling the dark air.

Singing

It was faint, but he could pick up a familiar tune. As he approached the sound filled the street more and more.

The sound of brothers in unison.

He knew it. He quickened his pace, Anticipating what awaited him at his destination. He finally found himself standing at the front gate. He felt it before he saw it.

The heat.

A bonfire

He smiled as he punched in the code for the front gate. The entire garden glowed yellow. The palm trees took on an orange story-book image, of pirates and islands with buried treasure. The orange tinted fronds swayed in the air turned tropical by the fire, causing a soft rustling noise under the singing.

He cut through the grass, intensity of the heat growing as he neared the flame. He was no longer in Australia. He was on a lost island on the pacific, just disembarked from his pirate ship to

retrieve their buried treasure. He emerged onto the scene from behind the palm trees, a pirate stumbling across a native bonfire on the lost island, the whole place aglow.

He had to turn away from the heat of the fire. It was hurting his face. He looped around to where all his friends were swaying arm-in-arm in song.

It was warm

Not because of the fire

Not because of glow on everyone's face

But because everyone was just plain warm

He joined them for a bit in their singing as they watched the fire burn away into the cold night. One of the shluchim even put on a little show; juggling fire for the crowd.

He felt aglow inside as well as out

He looked all around this treasure island

Oh how he'd miss it

That Occasional Census

Really, I just write for my mother

But to your right is one of those polls

Just to see who else reads all this randomness

Crown Heights: Made Easy!

If you live in Crown Heights or are going through custom to get to Crown Heights from the United States or elsewhere, it may be helpful to get yourself placed in exactly the right category.


So here's a brief but handy checklist to find out; what kind of Crown-Heightser are you?


For every category, circle one.


I am a:
yellow drinking ---- White drinking


I do:
kaporos on President St ---- kaporos on Eastern Parkway


I am:
pro R. Boteach ---- anti R Boteach


I am:
pro Carlbach ---- Carlbach tolerant ---- anti Carlbach


I call:
Shmira ---- Shomrim ---- 911


I am:
avid mishichist ---- conservative mishichist ---- anti mishichist


I eat [applicable if traveling to Melbourne]:
split chicken ---- non split chicken

I am:
pro R Braun ---- anti R Braun



The results

Now take everything you circled an put it in a row with your name at the end.
congratulations! You've just been Crowheightseretized! You are now one of eight hundred sixty four types. Now you know exactly who you can talk to, where you can shop, who you can be friends with, who you can eat with, and who you can marry. You can also request to be called to the amud with your full title.


Uses

Shiduchim! Now all you have to do is tick each box, label the categories from 1-5 for flexibility, and feed it into the computer.
doop doop doop doop doop doop doop dooooooooo
Eight possible matches and one exact match. OH EM GEEE who is that guuuuuuuy.....


The future

With this one can postulate that Crown Heights will eventually develop 864 tectonic plates which will slowlely drift apart. In three million years geologists will figure out that these numerous little islands once formed a small square landmass known as Beta Pangaea.

The Final Greeny Predicament

They say cows cause global warming

They pass gas, methane, all that.

All animals do, but there’s a lot of cows

Ok, I read that,

But my mind

using that logic...

Whales

Whales are huge

Way bigger than cows

Which means way more methane than cows

They will discover whales cause global warming

Now

What?

Me Vs OC

Last zman something unusual happened

Yeshiva Gedolah and Ohel Chana

Wound up having the same off-Shobbos schedule

Some were all

"Cool!"

Not the young American man

He was all

Oh

No

=============

It’s the classic race

Me

Vs

Them

And it’s like they know I tell you

They know

All the houses he likes to go to Friday night

Every call

“Oh so sorry we’d love to have you

But

We’re having OC over tonight.”

Or

“aww if you only called earlier

But OC just called a minute ago”

Just called!

Over and over and over again

They conspire against me!

And a tie?

OC always wins a tie

And how many of them are there?

How do they get all my good houses?

They seem to be hell bent on being as annoying as possible

Spreading themselves all around Melbourne like that

In itty bitty increments, geez

And it’s not just Friday night

Shobbos day too!

And not just last Zman

They still get in my freeging way!

This week

Two of my favourite houses

“Sorry, but my table is filled w/ OC this Shobbos”

And

“Having a bunch of OC over this Shobbos”

&#%^!

*#^$!

(@$#!

OC!!!!

And so it goes on

The never ending race

One in YG

Vs all them in OC

Oh Gee