Mikva Woes

I go to mikva everyday

I don’t like it when it’s crowded

Or even a little crowded

Or if there’s anybody there at all

“Ugh. It is way too early in the morning to bee seein’ bare bottoms…and I don’t think I’ll be up for it later either.”

“Never ever again describe the mikva as ‘bumper to bumper’. It doesn’t really sound right.”

“Well hello. Last time I saw you, you were wearing clothes.”

“Hello again. Last I saw you, you were stark naked.”

“Introduce me later. It’s just my thing. I prefer to meet new people while wearing pants. It’s sort of a first impression issue.”

“Could ya hurry up? I gotta run to mikva before it fills up with kilograms of booty. You know how I feel about that.”

“Yea, but, see, my spatial requirements increase exponentially when naked. So I need you to kinda move. Especially since you kinda are too.”

“Don’t forget your pants!”

“Um, like, where is my underwear. Now I’ve done it all. I’ve lost my underwear.”

“I’m not too good with numbers when I’m like this. It’s sorta like; no pants. No numbers.”

“Good mornin’. You know mikva is the only time I ever see you. That’s kinda awkward, considering the circumstances.”

“We used to call this guy ‘the mikva monster’ back in Crown Heights. It wasn’t really nice, but, I mean the guy was so fat.”

“This just aint workin’ out k. There’s gotta be a sign up that says ‘Maximum booty capacity’. Oh and the limit has to be in kilograms and not individual booties…Well because it’s more sensible that way, I mean, some take up more space than others and that is just not fair. Hmm, maybe the limit could be based on both, you know, like it is on elevators.”

“Me? Oh, I’m just waiting for a shower. It’s kinda awkward, you can’t exactly just stick your hands in your pockets. But, you know, just gotta exude confidence. Kinda lean on the bar here, put your hand on your hip, stick out your chest. Like here I am, waiting for a shower, I’m cool as can be. Like ‘whats up, I’m waiting for a shower, how’s the weather.’ It’s not so bad after a while, even though everybody is naked in the end.”

“This is the one situation where the therapist will tell you ‘Just imagine they are all dressed.’ In fact, what the heck was he thinking when he told you to just imagine that the whole crowd is naked to begin with? I sure as heck don’t feel like making any speeches right now lemme tell you that much.”