Crown Heights: Made Easy!

If you live in Crown Heights or are going through custom to get to Crown Heights from the United States or elsewhere, it may be helpful to get yourself placed in exactly the right category.


So here's a brief but handy checklist to find out; what kind of Crown-Heightser are you?


For every category, circle one.


I am a:
yellow drinking ---- White drinking


I do:
kaporos on President St ---- kaporos on Eastern Parkway


I am:
pro R. Boteach ---- anti R Boteach


I am:
pro Carlbach ---- Carlbach tolerant ---- anti Carlbach


I call:
Shmira ---- Shomrim ---- 911


I am:
avid mishichist ---- conservative mishichist ---- anti mishichist


I eat [applicable if traveling to Melbourne]:
split chicken ---- non split chicken

I am:
pro R Braun ---- anti R Braun



The results

Now take everything you circled an put it in a row with your name at the end.
congratulations! You've just been Crowheightseretized! You are now one of eight hundred sixty four types. Now you know exactly who you can talk to, where you can shop, who you can be friends with, who you can eat with, and who you can marry. You can also request to be called to the amud with your full title.


Uses

Shiduchim! Now all you have to do is tick each box, label the categories from 1-5 for flexibility, and feed it into the computer.
doop doop doop doop doop doop doop dooooooooo
Eight possible matches and one exact match. OH EM GEEE who is that guuuuuuuy.....


The future

With this one can postulate that Crown Heights will eventually develop 864 tectonic plates which will slowlely drift apart. In three million years geologists will figure out that these numerous little islands once formed a small square landmass known as Beta Pangaea.