B”H
The subject of parents has gotten me thinking about my own. If you think about it, it, parenting seems a little absurd. I haven’t really thought about all that they give until recently. Until now I’ve been running my eBay gig and with that I can pay for my own clothes when I need them, my own haircuts, my dry cleaning etc. but then I put a huge investment into the Dish Network G3 purple cards, then I had to pay the bill for my AP chemistry class as well as algebra II, and then I realized, until Mexico calls me about the cards, I’m broke! To make matters worse, the feds conducted a sting operation on ViewSat and the card market has gone cold for now. (If you don’t understand what all this means, just understand it means I’m broke.) Now I’m back to relying on my parents to buy me the pants I need since I ripped a couple others. Then I needed a haircut. Then a new textbook. And I started to realize how much my parents invest in me- without any physical return.
I set a goal for myself. I’m going to get smicha. I won’t be a pulpit Rabbi or a shliach, but I will have my smicha because it means something for me. If anything it will cost my family almost $50,000 in tuition for zal. Yet my parents have decided to do everything to allow me to achieve that goal. It won’t bring me any more money. It won’t get me a better job. And it certainly won’t do any of that for my parents either. But it’s my goal.
My family is in a real financial rut and me going to zal certainly does not help that. My mother has been pulling out her hair over it. She went to school for medical billing. She’s scrambling to find a job. They spend as little as possible. And my mother has gotten down to begging for the school in
This guilt got me thinking, do I really need this? Is it worth all the hardship it brings to my parents? My father had to sell his prized 1000cc Honda CVR- he even gave that bike a name- so we would have more money to pay the rent and tuition. My little brother is going to NY next year too, and that will cost money as well. Frankly I believe his yeshiva education takes precedent over mine. As a matter of principle, when I say I have a goal, I do it. But I was starting to thing if such pride was becoming an unnecessary burden on my family. I had to think. At any moment I could decide not to go. But if I did that there would be so many people looking at me in bewilderment because this is what I am supposed to do. I quickly shut out that thought. I will not go to zal simply because that’s what everyone’s supposed to do. I hate that mentality. I’m only going because I want to. But that’s what I want. I began to realize the affect that want was having on those around me.
If I didn’t go to zal, I’d go to university. Sad to say but the fact is a university is far easier to finance than yeshiva, and I would have no problem getting merit based scholarships either. I even approached my mother and asked, hypothetically of course, what her reaction would be if I just decided not to go. She responded that it would be something we all would have to sit down and talk about, and she would have to know what I would be doing instead, but she would support whatever I decided since I was mature enough to make such choices.
I finally told my mother the guilt I was feeling about the seemingly unnecessary burden I was placing on the family. Especially since it was something I didn’t have to do nor would it contribute toward my future career. She simply stopped, looked right at me and said, “Stop. You’re not allowed to think that. You are not allowed to feel guilty about this at all.” I explained that of course I should because this was something that was all about me and what I wanted. “That isn’t true,” she responded, “You going to zal and getting smicha is your goal, and therefore it’s our goal too and it’s something we want to happen. I want you to go to zal and anything else you want to do. Don’t you see what kind of pride it is for us, to go from church going Christians to the proud parents of a Rabbi?”
That was precisely what I needed to hear and it enlightened me to an amazing thing about parents. So much time, effort, and money goes into raising a child. It’s an absurd concept because there is no physical return. You don’t get rich. You don’t get a house. You don’t win a prize. And especially in the case of my parents, in which we’re practically being driven to the poor house in the name of my goals, it seems absurd. But now I see that the nature of a parent, at least with mine, is whatever the hopes and goals of the children are, those are the hopes and goals of the parents. Because the parents see themselves in the success of their children. That brings them more satisfaction than anything. Sort of a funny concept if you think about it, but true. That realization put my thoughts of guilt and selfishness to rest.
Besides, I’m going to buy them a gigantic house when I get older- and replace my father’s Honda CVR.
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