The Way I See; Hatzallah Pt I

The Young American man arrived at one of his houses Friday night for a shobbos meal. He helped the family get the meal ready – by sitting on the couch and keeping all the kids occupied, surrounding and jumping all over him.

The man of the house was a member of Hatzollah

Suddenly, the walky talky........

.....no.....

......The Hero Phone

Rang.

One the other end it was....what had to be....

The Mayor

“Quick! There’s a Hatzallah emergency. We need you Hatzallah Man.”

“I’m right on it Mayor”

With that my host put down the phone and rushed out of the room. To get his hero clothes.

Calmly he informed us “

Bit of a Hatzallah emergency. I’ll have to go.”

Ha

Bit of an emergency...

Outside my host hopped into his minivan –

which actually transforms into a Super Hatzallah Mobile. And sped off. What could he be up to?

He wouldn’t tell me the details

But I surmized on my own...

Bin Laden's Killer

I have found him

Osama's real killer

Dwight

Schrute

I think we all knew

It Sucks to Kill Bin Laden

Osama is dead

The name of the one who shot him is secret.

Be nice and smile to everyone

Because you never know

They just might be the one who killed Bin Laden

I’m the dude who killed Osama Bin Laden

I can’t tell anyone

But I did it

Now I’m getting pulled over

I killed Bin Laden, double tap, right above the left eye

Biggest terrorist of the century, I shot him

I’m the dude who killed Bin Laden...

“...and uh, officer, my wife’s brother is a cop too”

I killed Osama Bin Laden

And I just got a speeding ticket

I killed Osama Bin Laden

I made Obama’s term

He owes me, he loves me...

...But he aint gonna find me a place to park the freaking car

I killed Osama Bin Laden...

...And this guy just cut me off and gave me the finger

I killed Osama Bin Laden...

...And airport security is giving me sass

I killed Osama Bin Laden

Toughest guy of the decade...

...and I’m stuck in the friggin middle seat on the plane

Between two fat guys

I killed Osama Bin Laden...

...and I’m ten cents short for this coffee

I killed Osama Bin Laden...

...and the lady on the phone just put me on hold

For ten minutes

“Geez lady I’ve had it!

Do you know who I am?!

I’m the dude who shot Bin Laden!!!”

“You’re going to have to be patient sir

I’ll transfer you to billings”

&$%#!

I’m the guy who killed Bin Laden, avenged my entire country, put down the most dangerous and evil man in the world, came in, guns blazing, took him out, became the greatest hero in America...

...and the line for the register in Target has been taking forever

I killed Bin Laden...

...This sucks

Bonfires and Pirate Islands

The young American man walked down the dark road, through the brisk cold.

Melbourne had finally gotten like that; misty and cold. He walked silen

tly, alone with his thoughts.

As he neared the yeshiva strange sounds began filling the dark air.

Singing

It was faint, but he could pick up a familiar tune. As he approached the sound filled the street more and more.

The sound of brothers in unison.

He knew it. He quickened his pace, Anticipating what awaited him at his destination. He finally found himself standing at the front gate. He felt it before he saw it.

The heat.

A bonfire

He smiled as he punched in the code for the front gate. The entire garden glowed yellow. The palm trees took on an orange story-book image, of pirates and islands with buried treasure. The orange tinted fronds swayed in the air turned tropical by the fire, causing a soft rustling noise under the singing.

He cut through the grass, intensity of the heat growing as he neared the flame. He was no longer in Australia. He was on a lost island on the pacific, just disembarked from his pirate ship to

retrieve their buried treasure. He emerged onto the scene from behind the palm trees, a pirate stumbling across a native bonfire on the lost island, the whole place aglow.

He had to turn away from the heat of the fire. It was hurting his face. He looped around to where all his friends were swaying arm-in-arm in song.

It was warm

Not because of the fire

Not because of glow on everyone's face

But because everyone was just plain warm

He joined them for a bit in their singing as they watched the fire burn away into the cold night. One of the shluchim even put on a little show; juggling fire for the crowd.

He felt aglow inside as well as out

He looked all around this treasure island

Oh how he'd miss it

That Occasional Census

Really, I just write for my mother

But to your right is one of those polls

Just to see who else reads all this randomness

Crown Heights: Made Easy!

If you live in Crown Heights or are going through custom to get to Crown Heights from the United States or elsewhere, it may be helpful to get yourself placed in exactly the right category.


So here's a brief but handy checklist to find out; what kind of Crown-Heightser are you?


For every category, circle one.


I am a:
yellow drinking ---- White drinking


I do:
kaporos on President St ---- kaporos on Eastern Parkway


I am:
pro R. Boteach ---- anti R Boteach


I am:
pro Carlbach ---- Carlbach tolerant ---- anti Carlbach


I call:
Shmira ---- Shomrim ---- 911


I am:
avid mishichist ---- conservative mishichist ---- anti mishichist


I eat [applicable if traveling to Melbourne]:
split chicken ---- non split chicken

I am:
pro R Braun ---- anti R Braun



The results

Now take everything you circled an put it in a row with your name at the end.
congratulations! You've just been Crowheightseretized! You are now one of eight hundred sixty four types. Now you know exactly who you can talk to, where you can shop, who you can be friends with, who you can eat with, and who you can marry. You can also request to be called to the amud with your full title.


Uses

Shiduchim! Now all you have to do is tick each box, label the categories from 1-5 for flexibility, and feed it into the computer.
doop doop doop doop doop doop doop dooooooooo
Eight possible matches and one exact match. OH EM GEEE who is that guuuuuuuy.....


The future

With this one can postulate that Crown Heights will eventually develop 864 tectonic plates which will slowlely drift apart. In three million years geologists will figure out that these numerous little islands once formed a small square landmass known as Beta Pangaea.

The Final Greeny Predicament

They say cows cause global warming

They pass gas, methane, all that.

All animals do, but there’s a lot of cows

Ok, I read that,

But my mind

using that logic...

Whales

Whales are huge

Way bigger than cows

Which means way more methane than cows

They will discover whales cause global warming

Now

What?

Me Vs OC

Last zman something unusual happened

Yeshiva Gedolah and Ohel Chana

Wound up having the same off-Shobbos schedule

Some were all

"Cool!"

Not the young American man

He was all

Oh

No

=============

It’s the classic race

Me

Vs

Them

And it’s like they know I tell you

They know

All the houses he likes to go to Friday night

Every call

“Oh so sorry we’d love to have you

But

We’re having OC over tonight.”

Or

“aww if you only called earlier

But OC just called a minute ago”

Just called!

Over and over and over again

They conspire against me!

And a tie?

OC always wins a tie

And how many of them are there?

How do they get all my good houses?

They seem to be hell bent on being as annoying as possible

Spreading themselves all around Melbourne like that

In itty bitty increments, geez

And it’s not just Friday night

Shobbos day too!

And not just last Zman

They still get in my freeging way!

This week

Two of my favourite houses

“Sorry, but my table is filled w/ OC this Shobbos”

And

“Having a bunch of OC over this Shobbos”

&#%^!

*#^$!

(@$#!

OC!!!!

And so it goes on

The never ending race

One in YG

Vs all them in OC

Oh Gee

The Way I See: Australian Politics

Australia has a lot of politics

Just nobody cares about them

Wonder why

So here is a collection of the official AU parties

The few that don’t sound like high school clubs were removed

• Australian Fishing and Lifestyle Party
• Australia First Party
• Australian Men's Party
• Australian Protectionist Party
• Australian Sex party
• Australian Shooters' Party
• Australians Against Further Immigration
• Christian Democratic Party
• Climate Change Coalition
• Communist Party of Australia
• Conservatives for Climate and Environment
• Country Liberal Party
• Democratic Socialist Party
• Family First
• Liberal Democratic Party
• Liberal National Party
• Liberty and Democracy Party
• Non-Custodial Parents Party
• Nuclear Disarmament Party
• One Nation
• Outdoor Recreation Party
• Pauline's United Australia Party
• Pirate Party of Australia
• Progressive Labour Party
• Restore the Workers Rights Party
• Secular Party of Australia
• Senator On-Line
• Senator Online
• Socialist Alliance
• Socialist Equality Party
• Socialist Party of Australia
• Stable Population party of Australia
• The Climate Sceptics
• The Greens
• Western Australia First
• What Women Want

At least they’re real specific in what they want

Like

What on Earth could the Restore the Worker’s Rights guys want?

Oh,

Likely to restore the worker’s rights

What Women Want

is probobly exactly that

and they don’t vote for the Australian Men’s Party

NO girls allowed

The Greens are all about trees

And Climate Sceptics are all about not trees

Australia First Party

Family First

Western Australia First

They should all just make one party

We All Tied for First Party

Australian Shooter’s Party sounds fun

The one above it just gets a lot of votes for no reason

(and they probobly oppose the Stable Population people)

The Australian Men’s Party shoulda thought of that first

Fishing and Lifestyle is taken too

Only thing left to win the male vote is mmmm, ah

The Australian Beer and Footy Party

Who’s Pauline?

It’s like, her own club

Here’s the description:

Pauline's United Australia Party is an Australian nationalist political organisation formed in order to ensure that Pauline Hansen's name appeared above the line (as per the voting method in Australian federal elections) rather than simply below the line amongst a list of independent candidates

Soooo,

That’s it?

Just put her above the line

and then.....what?

Boy a whole party just for that

She sure is popular

(Who got to take her to the prom?

You have to start party for that too?)

But not enough to get above that dasdardly line I guess

You know, this is all kinda fun!

It’s like being in high school!

I want to join the Pirate Party!

Plunder all the other parties,

Wear an eye patch

All that jazz

But uh,

....Who’s doing anything around here?

I guess that’s why Australians don’t care for politics

The Woman who Raised Me

There was the man who raised me

And then there’s the woman raised me

I aint a momma’s boy

But

I love my mother

My mother

The smartest woman I know

The best friend I have

So pretty too

Why

It wasn’t just once

She was mistook as my sister!

My mother

Made me read old books

Because it’s good for my mind

That’s what my mother said

Made me help cook for Shobbos

To make a good husband outa me

That’s what my mother said

My mother

Used to read to me, wonderful books

Classic tales, I’ll never forget!

So little I was,

so snug on the couch

leaning on my mom.

And how nice she always smelled!

It’s that mommy smell, there is no other.

And the way she read, it was indeed no story

No no, it was brought to life

Every character

Every scene

Right there

in the very room!

My mother

Late nights she’d stay

To help me with things like science fairs.

Or even just explaining the way the world works

How to do this and why this is that

“These are thing you gotta know if you want to succeed!”

An A+ I’d get

Because my mom is smart

And made me too

And now I can write because she made me read

Now I can cook because she made me watch

Now I can learn because she made me think

Now I fear not the future because she gave me the tools

Now I can do anything

Because she can do anything

Now I might be a real man

Because she’s a real woman