The young American man and his friend came through the back gate of the yeshiva for the first time. Their very first greeting was from a loud portly man who simply said in a heavy accent “ah, now we have more Beheimas!!”
They had no idea who this man could be
The young man and his friend went straight to the office to notify them of their arrival and get their room keys. The one in charge of the office greeted them and asked, “How did you know how to get in?”
“We Google Earthed the place”
It was true. They looked at satellite images of the whole Melbourne, found out exactly who all the staff were, got a map drawn up of the immediate area w/ any significant places they should know (i.e the bank, and pizza), and they knew the schedule. The only thing they didn’t know was which shiur they’d be placed in. Aleph was the highest. Daled, the lowest.
Then let’s shoot for Aleph then…eventually
The young man and his friend davened Mincha w/ the yeshiva. They stood next to the wall, surveying the other students who were already in yeshiva for almost a week. Who was chassidishe looking, who was wearing tennis-shoes, who looked new and who looked like the already knew the place.
They knew nobody
There wasn’t a soul in Melbourne the young man and his friend were familiar w/. They came with two numbers to two families related to someone they knew from their time in NY. That was it. The young man shifted apprehensively.
Dang this is different
As soon as Mincha ended the young man and his friend left with their handy dandy map. They needed to pick up Gemaras and open up a bank account. They walked and walked. There was nothing.
The map was drawn backwards!
They turned around and headed the right direction this time. They were in absolute raptures. Everything was so different! They were on the other side of the world! Everything, the plants, the light, the people, the accents, the cars, the roads, everything was making them as giddy as little girls. It was super exciting. Who would have ever thought they’d wind up all the way here?
They took care of their things and decided to find the nearest joint with a slurpy. They asked the first Jewish kid they found. Melmart. It’s what the kid said. They looked and looked in the area where this ‘Melmart’ was supposed to be to no avail
Ugh!
Mealmart!
These ozzy accents
They returned from their brief excursion in time to be ferheirted by the very R Cohen they heard so much about. The young man walked into the cold office. R Cohen was just the way he imagined which made him a bit nervous. This was it. This would decide which shiur he’d be in.
The young man sucked
The young American man shut his Gemara. He didn’t know the standards but he was certain he’d be placed in the lowest shiur. He did swell on the Mishna because he had done it before, but he absolutely bombed everything else. “You seem to need some work.” The rosh slowly pointed out. “I know,” the young man replied feeling a bit of desperation. He knew he was behind but he at least wanted to start off in Gimmel, “But I will pick it up. I can work hard and I’m not all that behind. I guarantee you, before I leave, I’ll be in shiur Aleph.” After the Rabbis lengthy response the young man breathed a sigh of relief.
He and his friend were put in shiur Gimmel
The next morning the young man and his friend were right on time for seder. They assumed a nice little spot by the wall, away from the commotion of the main part of zal. It was incredible. “Look at us man. We’re real bochurim!” They were supposed to learn with a shliach, but they hadn’t arrived yet. They opened up their Gemaras and couldn’t go more than three words into the Tosfos. “Wow we suck.” Laughed the young man’s friend. “Yea it’s gonna be an interesting year,” the young man replied, smiling as he placed his metal coffee cup on the table,
“but it’ll be great, the place has endless coffee!”
….fast forward….
It was raining.
Typical. Last year it was sunny when they arrived. All well. The young man stepped out of the taxi asking the driver to wait while he ran inside to borrow some cash. It was the last dollar he had. The young man was arriving a week late and most of the bochurim were in zal. He found one of his friends in the lunch room and got $20. He paid the taxi and dropped his luggage off in his room.
Everything was exactly as he left it
The young man looked at the calendar to see how much more time left until he would finally make it to shiur Aleph. He was so close at the end of last year, but he was told that he needed one more zman to perfect his pronunciation of the words. That made him feel a bit sour. Why couldn’t he have been told that earlier? Still, it was just one more zman. The young man said he was going to get there, he was going to get there.
The young man walked into zal greeted by the annoying
Tsssss tssss
tssss tssss t
tssss tsssstssss tssss
tssss tssss tssss
tsssstsssstssss
noises that all the bochurim make. Handshakes and hugs, it felt good to be back. He went to the office. A letter from the bank and a letter from the state. Ugh. That tram fine. He opened it and found a letter stating that his request for an extension was granted. He wasn’t going to jail. Yes!
He did the happy dance around his room.
The young man plopped down on his bed next to his bags. This year is going to be great he thought. He thought back on all the misadventures of last. He knew this year would have even more. He knew what was up, he could jump right in. He loved it. He had found so much and there was so much more to find. He looked in his bag and his face lit up
Hello Australia and Israel, Canada and England, Belgium and Ireland, France and South Africa, and of course, my fellow Americans; welcome to the
Super awesome sunny tour of
Chandler Arizona
Cracking eggs on the ground will do nothing
But it’s still fun
And it’s still hot
We start at home
There’s a giantmushroom in the backyard!
Now we walk to shul
…and walk
…and walk
If it rains more than three drops everything just floods
The Wall
Here is a significant component to the community; the wall. It is this very wall that separates the two sides of the wall from each other. Every good chassid hops it to get to shul, even the rabbi. Just don’t scuff your shoes.
The Property
Here it is; the future of Chabad of Chandler. It’s been the community’s highlight piece of dirt. This is the very spot where that grand building will go up. It’ll be soon. If not sooner Then the future Rabbi Dovid and Mrs. Staples will be workin' on it too.
The Shul
Here it is! This is where it all happens, where everyone goes for Shobbos, where the pre-school is, where we sit on Tisha B”Av and where we get smashed on Simchas Torah. It’s every reason why we’re here baking in this heat.
Things to do: bowling
Here in Chandler, unless you have a car and unless you have money, there’s only two things to really do all the time. Bowling is one. Perfect for fast days. Just look at those fast-day scores
Things to do: slurpies
You cannot, as a Lubavitcher chassid, live in AZ w/out slurpies. And look! They decked out the place with tons of flavors! Let’s go check out the biggest size they have. Oh man that looks good.
The young American man of our stories drank the strong dry wine from the becher, no, the barrel that was given to him for Kiddush. No sooner than when they washed and ate bread,
Crrrrrraaack
Rrrrrrbbrlll
Pfffffffffffffffffffffff
Rain poured upon them in horrendous torrents. They went inside for ten minutes to wait for it to die down, but eventually the men braved the wicked weather to eat their soup in the soggy succa. The young man found that one spot that was dry and huddled their to eat though a sneaky dribble would occasionally fall on his plate.
He looked around at the other men and the other wet men looked at him. They all burst out laughing.
Now this is succos!
And with the women inside,
let’s go get the beers!
Succa hopping
Having finished their wet fun-filled meal the young man and his friend went to find, well, a friend. They walked across Crown Heights to a large apartment complex and lo-and-behold,
A whole succa village!
Big ones and small ones.
short ones and tall ones.
Succas w/ stripes and succas w/ spots!
Well not really spots ‘n’ stripes, but they’re sure were a lots!
The young man left and gazed down from above on the field. All those succas with soft light peeking through the schach and various nigunim to be heard from so many! All those humble little huts, they looked like a picture from National Geographic.
The young man returned to the village and thought he’d find his friend.
Oops sorry, wrong succa
No no! come in, say your name, and say L’chaim!
8 or 9 succas later…
…the young man forgot who he was looking for.
Hoshanos
So many people in 770 each w/ a Lulav. It looks like a crusade of green swords. All kinds of lulavs. Bushy ones and skinny ones, long ones and short ones.
You know what they say about guys w/ short lulavs
Well I actually don’t know what they say
With all these Jews trying to circle the bima, what is the trick to safely making it around?
1.Shove yourself to the center of the circle. Less people are going in and out.
2.Ready? C’C’C’Catch the wave! Just stand there. You’ll get around.
Bircas Kohanim
There’s a million Kohanim
And there’s always that one who’s just a bit louder and slower than the rest
It must look pretty cool from the women’s section
With everyone spreading out their taleisim to cover everyone around them, it becomes like a big huge tallis party!
Heeeeyy!
Anybody bring the chips?
O come on seriously?
Who just let one rip?
Simchas Beis Hashoeva
Don’t assume it’s like normal events that at least start to die down at 1:30
Otherwise you’ll find yourself out ‘till 5:30
The nightly schedule is as follows:
Maariv
Fabrengen
dancing
more dancing!
hot dogs
dancing (but w/ Ausie flags!)
coffee
can’t have coffee, still fleishig from hotdogs
shacharis at 770
(cold) coffee
Also, the rule for which succas you can randomly pop into and fabreng is:
Any
Avoid succas full of Israelis. They will grab you by the shirt, pull you inside and dance w/ you. They won’t let you leave. They will only speak Hebrew to you. They will make you say l”chaims and continue speaking in Hebrew. And when you leave you will reek of cigarettes.
