The old people loved it! Even the ones that actually had some idea of what I was saying. In fact one couple, whom twice I quoted directly (I said no names of course) came over to me and apologized for leaving, just that they were tired, But they said it was really entertaining and I had talent. Not a single elderly person threw cheese at me the entire breakfast.
Three more days to go. I had gotten to know some of the most wonderful people I have ever met. Rabbi Kluwgon said he wants us back next year. The girls had started working on a play that the kids were to perform. I knew it would be so cute. We worked in the kitchen. I figured out that if you make a whole bunch of different denominations of eggs, you didn’t have to worry much about I then. Just check on the supply once in a while. We worked and prepared and freed up enough time for a really nice family to take us to the zoo!
I pet a kangaroo for the first time!
And a koala!
Koalas look so wise.
Like Albert Einstein in bear form.
The Landau's took us go-carting after lunch. It was exciting. They go pretty flippin’ fast and the turns are tight. I figured out how to drift around the corners, I felt so badass. Needless to say, I won. It reminded me of how much I wanted to drive that golf cart.
It’s no fair.
I’m supposed to be able to use it!
I AM STAFF!
Day 8
I have become a wine expert.
I know all the types that are here now.
Helped the girls with their play. It’s going to be so adorable. One kid pretty much has no idea what’s going on. It’s so cute. We all played jacks with the kids too. What a fun game. It’s like a casino, all the kids cheering you.
I got to level 9.
I realized how that Adam and I are the only non-family members that sit at the head table. Makes you feel kind of special. The mashgiach, the Jewish cook, the caterer and the girls all sit at their own table. I decided to fabreng with the rest of the staff for a change.
I have great co-workers.
That night the Landau's invited us on a night hike. I love them, they're so great. It was us, the family, the girls, and another couple.
It was a fun hike.
Why do girls freak out over anything remotely scary?
On the Sabbath you shall not cook. We had nothing to do. Just help with the kids and rehearse a bit for the show. Shobbos came and went. The show was ten minutes away.
The event was called “Variety Night”
I assumed that meant a few performers.
I kept my part of the show short.
I was then informed.
It’s for the most part just you.
Huh
I need some wine.
What the heck are we supposed to do? I didn’t know it was just us and one other person on a piano! Well for Adam it was easy to add his own part. He’s excellent at piano. He would do two solos; Rachmaninoff’s prelude in C# minor and a piece he wrote himself. As for myself, I went to the back and started to make frantic notes. In five minutes I had an incomprehensible paper full of words like “old people” “black father” dumb questions” and so on with arrows connecting random things together. The rest of the show went smooth. The song we did was great. So was the skit. Adam played beautifully. So it was my turn to extend the show. I ran up with my notes and did something I have never done nor wanted to do.
I did stand-up comedy
I just started talking about working there. I spoke about the quirky incidences I had with the old people. In fact, if the show had a title it would have been “Old People”. That’s all I did, just started talking. I neglected to pay any attention to what the crowd was doing. I just went. I spoke about
the shidduchs some of them suggested,
my age,
my mother,
my job,
and back to the old people.
Then it was about
my life,
my father,
his job,
questions people ask me,
tasers,
Shobbos tables,
me being a geir,
Shobbos,
lying about my age
and kept going. I was told it was getting late so I ended off with a funny story that happened to me last year. I stepped of the stage having no idea how well I did, but I looked around and there were a whole bunch of people shaking my hand, smiling, and congratulating me.
What I realize here is, you have to just jump into something when the opportunity presents itself. At least then you know for sure if you’re good or not. And if you are, then you have a whole lot ahead of you. I didn’t really think I’d be so good at making shows, writing songs, and performing, until I just did it because I was asked. There’s no telling what people might figure out about themselves.
For the show we decided to do the same parody on energy drink commercial we did in camp. It was quite good and we choreographed it well. The video is from camp. We added one or two lines for this one:
Dovid: Are you sick of being called girls names?!
Adam: Like Sally etc?Well fear no more, get ready to be called BUTCH or REX!
D: Getting ready to be pumped up with PT!
A: PT! ENRGY FOR MEN!
D&A: MENERGY!
A: you’re gonna have
D&A GRATUITUSS AMOUNTS OF ENERYGY
D; you’ll just be running
D&A: ALL THE TIME
D: Try it in awesome flavors!
A: Do you like strawberries?!
A&D : TRY RAWBERRY
D: gotta craving for chocolate?!
A: TRY SHOCKLATE! Made from lightning
A&D: REAL LIGHTNING
D: what if everything you ever wanted cam in a
DA: ROCKET CAAAN
A: now with preposterous amounts of testosterone
DA: PREPOSTERONE
D: not to mention new flavors like MANANANA
A&D; AND GUN!
A: SPORTS!
D:AH
A: you’ll be really good at them
D: You’ll have to make up a new sport cuz you’ll be
The short notice was kind of nice. Since we had to frantically throw something together we were able to avoid the pre-Shobbos kitchen. What the heck. What do we do? A funny song. Uggggggggh. About what!!!?
Ah ha.
Our job.
Eggs.
And right on the spot this was written:
2 make breakfast you need separate eggs
That means
You gotta crack em right into your hand
It’s goes through fingers like a bunch of snot
It’s cold
It’s therapeutic
It’s nauseating….but kinda fun
I have a bowl of 82 eggs
We have to crack them every night
For breakfast
Plop one in w/out thinking
Oh no,
There’s a blood spot….
Gotta do ‘em all again.
1920 eggs that’s a lot of eggs (x3)
Eggs
There’s so many eggs
In the kitchen cutting up stuff
Sort of missed the target
Blood everywhere.
It was scary ----it was awesome
Hatzallah save my life
Gave me a bandaid
Took the kids to watch a movie
It the P of E
Such an awesome movie
So intense
In the end G-d came down and killed [music stop] EVERYBODY [music start]
G-d’s so cool.
{}
[bridge]
All these eggs just keep goin on and on…
So many egg so many eggs
On and on…
There’s another thing that’s part of our job
It’s takin care of all your boys
But it’s all right
Cuz they never show up
Everybody get’s to go to the zoo
Or they get to go go-carting
But not us
We got work to do
{}
I’ve gotten good at what I do
I can crack eggs with one hand
With both hands
And I can do it really fast
Yeah
We’re really going far.
First day we did the lettuce
Oh G-d
That is a real big job
They make the sink way to low
Hurts your back
We did so much
463 pieces
Another thing we do
Is visiting tables
In order To see how ya do
Making things are all right.
4 cups of wine makes it easier
To get to know you
Just kidding
You guys are like totally awesome.
{}
[end]
This is just the bare bones of it all. To bad it wasn’t recorded. It was an extremely catchy original tune, plus we would say the lines in a creative uncoordinated fashion and we also added a ton of improvisation as we sung. By the end the whole crowd was clapping to the beat and singing the chorus with us!
Mr. Adler. He’s an old man from Germany, a professional chess player. He sits in the lounge all day as daring souls compete with him in chess. He crushes them every time. Everyone knew of the unbeatable man. I had only heard of him.
That was, of course, when I saw one of the young New daughters engaged in a match against him. I went over to watch. It was entertaining. Mr. Adler has a way of telling you what he’s doing as he’s doing it. In a German accent he would tell her “good, good. And now you see I am going to move zis here like zis, you see?” or, “ah but now I am going to do zis. See?” he plays the whole game like that. It’s quite nice in my opinion.
It was a massacre.Two games. He destroyed her each time. She was a good sport though, and it was widely expected. All the while I stood by in observation. Every now and then Mr. Adler would tell me the move he was making. Perhaps it was because I nodded with knowledge, or perhaps it was because I kept a knowing silence, but Mr. Adler turned to the others and said, “ah see he knows. This young man knows. He has brains you see. Perhaps you can play after. Yes after.”
After the second game he asked who wants to play.
What the heck.
It had been a long time since I played chess.
I knew I’d lose like every one else.
So we started. I was white. Like always, and my mother does the same, I opened by bringing out both my knights. I love my knights. They’re sneaky, they’re annoying, they’re effective. The game went on. He took my pawn, I took his. The game goes on. People come to watch. He takes my knight. I take his. The game goes on. Every time he takes my piece I take one of his. Eventually we had hardly had any pieces left, but I had the upper hand. I got sloppy. He took a key piece of mine. What it came down to was his king, pawn, and rook. My king, knight, pawn, and bishop. We danced around for a bit. His wife started to nag him leave. So, in a strong German accent,
Every morning they serve a good breakfast. I like the cheese omelets. We sat down next to a charming couple, the Zelfah’s. The mister is a psychiatrist with his own hospital. Twice we had breakfast with them. What we learned:
In life there are peaches and there are prunes.
Peaches are full of juice no matter how much you squeeze them.
Prunes suck up everything no matter how much you give.
A depressed peach looks like a prune.
A con looks like a peach.
There’s naughty and then there’s bad.
Naughty means if you have fun with me you might get hurt.
Then again this is all for my friends and family back home.
And I keep my life entertaining.
We stopped for lunch. People came over that knew who we were. I knew who they were for the most part. It’s interesting. I often come across people that know me but I don’t know them. It’s because of camp I suppose. They’re expecting a performance from us. We’re known to be talented.
Expectations suck.
One thing I noticed; the kitchen was calm. When I worked at a mashgiach last year, it was insane. Everyone yells. Everyone curses. All the cooks play around. They put music on a boombox. Things are breaking and everyone is running around like mad. Here though, not even close.
Not one person screamed out F***.
I mean like not even once.
We barely made it time to get showers. Even when the Seder started we couldn’t sit down. Someone wanted another seder plate, this one wanted more matzah, this one a certain wine, etc. however we eventually we able to sit down at the head table and enjoy our Seder alongside a wonderful family called the Gopin’s.
Part of our job, which I love, is to go around visiting and seeing to it that everyone is having a good time.Believe me, it’s a lot more fun when you’re buzzed from a lot of strong wine. The room was divided in two. One side was the communal Seder and the other side had freestanding partitions for private Sederim. We went around the private side visiting. That night we became acquainted with the New family, a real charming bunch. The senior member even came over to the other side to see me right after. Another family wanted a good wine and I suggested cabinet sauvignon. I ran to get them a bottle and later found out it was and $80 bottle what I gave them. Oh.
After the seder we went to crack and check more eggs. 100 regular eggs and 80 separated eggs, again, a lot more fun when you’re tipsy. I took a crack (hahahaha) at doing two eggs at once with each hand. It really wasn’t all that hard. Woohoo by the end of Pesach I will be cracking eggs with one hand.
I have high goals
Day 2
The night before was botched up. Wasn’t my fault. I didn’t know what they needed nor where it was. This time around I knew what was going on and could see a dozen ways to make it faster, better, and way easier. Mother, since I know you’re reading this, I have you to thank for that trait.
Before we were puting out all the matzah, lettuce and seder stuff ourselves, but to me that was ridiculous. Gather up all the floor staff and have them do it! As long as I can distribute over my duties to others, I could get other things done in the meantime! This time, instead of making all these seder plates, I was going to get the waiters to make an assembly line. Just zip a seder plate down a table, one worker does one thing, and out the door it goes. There wasn’t enough lettuce to cover all the trays. Well, instead of plopping it on, just make one quick neat layer with just enough to cover the dish and look substantial. Voala, suddenly we even had extra lettuce. And the floor staff could do everything.
Matzah on the tables, waiters.
Extra charoses, waiters.
Extra moror, waiters.
Lettuce, waiters.
Etc…
Once I knew what was going on and could do it the way I wanted, it was a heck of a lot smoother. Never got to do that assembly line, but sure as hell didn’t worry about bringing it out.
We also did the kids club. We take the older boys while another gal and her friend take the younger children. I have to meet her. I heard she was quite good and creative and could use some ideas. Meanwhile;
Gaga tournament
Just give boys a ball
This time the seder had no deadline. And this time I drank a lot more wine, so our visiting duties were more productive. We actually met the people this time around thus starting our growing popularity here.
There’s a lot of old people here. Old people seem to always have something to tell you that is irrelevant to everything but it sure is pleasant. And then some of them speak Yiddish to you and you have to nod and pretend to understand what they’re saying.
It was great, despite (because of) how lit I was from wine. Spent a good long time with some families. The people seemed to love us. By the end it was just a few younger folks just smoozing.
I chilled with the hotel staff until about 4 AM.
Boy was it fun.
Day 3
Tired
I don’t know why I have to peel potatoes, chop onions, and slice pumpkin. It’s not my job. As a mashgiach last year, I never had to do anything. I just helped the staff by choice. Whatever. I just did a bunch of eggs so if they needed they would have. That’s all they need from me really. Just walk in once in a while and avoid the kitchen for the most part. Real chill day.
Two boys showed up for kid’s club. Two. I was planning to split a group of boys in two groups and have them compete by making small Pesach themed skits, but, two boys. So we played them in soccer and then they just left. We decided to go see the girls and the younger age group and perhaps help or something, or at least watch to get some ideas. We walked in and the young woman that does it had us round them up in a circle for a game. I could see she’s good with kids. Then all of a sudden without warning
And now Dovid is going to tell you all a story.
Oh.
Apparently I had to say a story. Pick a word. Say that word three times in my story. Once I say that word everyone freezes. Then try to find kids that move and get them out.
Oh
Well I did it.The word was matzah. Three boys went out to the store for Pesach…a robber came…he was jewish…brought him to the seder…yay It worked.
Whew.
But…
Now we have two Rabbis in the room
here for our game show
Now
and
Then!
She pretended to hold a microphone and preceded to have all the kids ask us questions about Pesach. It was good, a real smart idea. This girl was a quick thinker, took advantage of our presence in a genius way. I was impressed. I left looking forward to helping again.
In the end I played footy for the first time.
It’s super fun.
My team won.
Day 4
I can crack eggs with one hand on both hands now.
We woke up and hour a 40 minutes later than we were supposed to.
Oh &*%#.
Nothing much.
Usual kitchen stuff.
Breakfast
Lunch
We got to know our co-workers a little better by lunch. The main one is real intelligent, has good goals, and thinks in a good direction. The other one is quiet, but also mature. It’s nice to know we’re working with good people.
Played cards with some new friends
No boys showed up for kid’s club
Made gifilte fish
Helped the girls
Dinner.
We had a Hawaiian buffet. Wow. Helped out the girls to make a movie night for the kids. we watched The Prince of Egypt. Do you know how intense that movie is!? The tenth plague, G-d comes down
